The Union of Opposites

I’ve been doing a lot of work with the tarot for some months, journeying through the major arcana. I meditate, ponder and do some sort of automatic writing for one card a week (approximately, or until I feel done). This form of writing I’ve used for years and it’s a way of connecting with my subconscious that I feel very comfortable with. And of course I love writing in general. I start off with a thread, a word or a sentence, and then I just go on from there and interesting things come out of it. Often in the form of poetry.

One major theme that has become apparent is the union of opposites. It’s like I’m seeing it in almost every card that I work with. Either in the card itself or in pairing with another one. Since back in… I can’t remember if it was March or April when I started with The Fool, that theme has become much more relevant to my own life as well. It has surely been a journey and at times it has directly correlated with the cards. It has led me to take up CG Jung again, studying the anima/animus and to realize the dynamics in my own relationships and trying to take back some of the projections and integrate them instead. This has made me somewhat more distant from my intense feeling states and more rationally inclined. I NEEDED THAT! 

Some cards have meant unexpected challenges or pleasures for me. One of the heaviest weeks was working with The Lovers, it brought out a lot a icky stuff. This week I started with The Devil and it has been a strange relief. He feels raw and honest and allows me to look at myself without shame. It was also these two cards that I learned yesterday were each other’s mirror image. 

I’m seeing these type of connections between cards that I never realized before even though I got my first deck at 15. But I guess the greatest gift is understanding the content that’s within my own psyche and in what form it prefers to reveal itself to me.

The Thread

I have been home from work for a week due to a nasty cold. It’s starting to give way now, thankfully, but I’m not out of the woods just yet. 

One thing I have found is that during times of illness (while having been reasonably conscious), when I haven’t been able to focus on studying or work, my mind always tends to gravitate towards Wicca and the Craft. Suddenly I’m back to doing daily devotionals, journaling and what not. It’s like I’m being pulled by this thread attached to my heart and everything settles into what it ought to be. One can not help but wander what would happen if I had more leisure time on my hands. That would be glorious! 

Recently I started thinking about how empty and lacking my life would be without Wicca. I have never seen myself living an ordinary life. I mean ordinary in the sense that you follow a predictable pattern and living by the norm, like getting married, buying a home and raising a bunch of kids that you devote the rest of your life to. I’ve done the first two but that’s where I jokingly draw the line. I’ve never been into kids and am not the motherly type. I can’t see my life evolving around family life in that sense, it’s not the path for me. Not that there’s  anything inherently wrong with it, but I have other dreams, other aspirations. So anyway, without Wicca I wouldn’t enjoy the sense of purpose I now know. It really is the vein of my existence, though it sounds terribly dramatic and perhaps pretentious. But that’s how I feel about my religion. It gives my life meaning. 

When I toss around words like “purpose” and “meaning” I’m not saying that I’ve got it all figured out by any means. I have not singled out my life’s purpose or anything. What I do mean is that I am devoted to mystery. The mystery of being alive in this time and place, the mystery of the gods and to the betterment of my character by their guidance. I guess it’s that simple, and that hard.

  

Battle Crow

I banged my drum, real loud, real fast. The images of ravens on the drum pulsated with the beats, almost seemed alive. They seemed to whisper to me “Battle crow, battle crow…” The beat went ever faster until suddenly I stopped.

When the tone of the drum still echoed in my ear and pierced the silence of the room, I sensed her behind me. In my mind’s eye I saw her standing there, all covered in blood. All covered in dripping, gloriously red blood. The blood of her enemies, her opponents. She was urgency, lust, blood frenzy and madness. I am somewhat scared of meeting her closer up!

“Small” talk

It saddens me when I give in to that voice saying that I’m not good enough. It’s so unnecessary and it ends up actually hurting people close to me. Because I get suspicious and I question what they mean by things they say, should I take that as a hidden insult? I get that it gets tiring. But some days I just feel so small and vulnerable and I retire to my shell and can’t think of a reason why someone would like me or would want to spend time with me. I compare myself to my friend’s other friends, who are bubbly, relaxed and fun. I am not those things, most of the time. I am usually guarded, private, intense and reflecting.

I get so frustrated with myself. I just want to connect but I stumble over my own feet, I get in my own way, because very probably it’s all in my head. I think it’s a good thing that I get to confront these feelings and insecurities. If I would close myself off to friendship in fear of getting hurt I would never learn. I am enough. I may have bad days but they don’t reflect my inner worth. I am enough, I am enough, I am enough.

Rituals

There have been some intense few weeks of writing rituals. Me and my coven mate has been asigned to co-write this year’s Yule ritual and everyone were also asigned to write an esbat ritual for last Wednesday. I wrote it for the full moon and focused on experiencing the Moon Goddess and strenghtening the ties within the group.

I was a bit nervous showing that ritual. I have been with my coven a little over a year now but we haven’t talked overtly of our private praxis. I have never told anyone exactly what I say or do in ritual but it came through in the one I wrote because I wanted to be genuine. I wanted them to know what I was about at my core. For example, I focus quite heavily on polarity and not everyone’s into that. Thankfully it was well recieved and I got some nice feedback. My high priest didn’t have any recommended alterations and they all thought it was poetic and set the mood very well.

It was lovely to see what all the others had written! There were beautiful things in each and everyone and it sparked my creativity further. It is wonderful to share!

The Old Gods Awaken

That special feeling is starting to dawn on me yet again. It’s always the same this time of year, when mist is shrouding the fields, the leafs let go and the frost is glittering. Nature is preparing for the long winter and The Old Gods awaken. That’s what it feels like, suddenly there is a new awareness. I feel them rising from the ground, moving through forests, fields and towns. I feel their power, I feel them rejoicing.

Mostly I feel Oden, my father figure, my guide. Since I was a child I’ve always felt close to him, perhaps because I did learn about him as a child in an otherwise secular household. I sense him wander across the land, visiting his followers, partaking in their offerings. Perhaps he leaves them gifts of poetry, wanderlust, courage, inspiration or knowledge of the runes and other hidden things.

It’s not as though The Old Gods aren’t present during the summer months. I sense the sensuous Frej in the fields of flowers, Frigg in the maturing wheat and Thor in the thunderstorms. They are all everywhere, all the time. They truly belong to this land, tied (but not chained) to this place.

Coming into your power

Ok, I just feel like rambling a bit tonight and see where it leads me. I’m not even gonna bother with checking the spelling too much, something I usually do a lot since English is my second language. So, there…

I had an interesting talk with my dear friend over the phone yesterday. She is a seeker who has quite a lovely unfolding relationship with a Norse goddess. Like oh so many others she worries quite a lot about the possibility that external forces might influence her or threaten her in some way. She feels vulnerable and not in control. Plus she overthinks everything! That’s like her speciality. So I conclude two things: she doesn’t really trust her intuition and she doesn’t recognize or connect to her own power.

I may not be the most self assured person on this planet, far from it! I frequently feel socially awkward, uncapable of mundane tasks etc. But having spent a lot of time and effort navigating the inner planes I’m sort of familiar there now. I know I am in control there. I try to remember how I experienced it when I started out all those years ago… Maybe my first taste of it was when my mother did guided visualisation with me as a little girl, trying to relieve some of my anxiety to help me fall asleep. It is still so vivid in my mind, me and my black horse on a green summer field. I had a backpack (probably with cookies in it) and a yellow dress. I don’t think I’ve ever owned a yellow dress in real life, but perhaps it was another trick to try and brighten my mood. It kinda worked. It opened up to me the idea that on the mental plane I was in charge and I could create the reality that I wanted, more or less, and sometimes it could even spill over into outside reality.

As I grew older I continued to experiment and I got interested in the occult and practices like meditation and magick. When I came across my first teacher he talked quite extensively about protection and spiritual hygiene. One of the most important things he imparted was that the belief that someone could harm you was the most devastating of all. It was/is very possible that someone can do you harm, but I have consciously remained quite thick headed about it and not even made it an option for it to impact me. That goes for humans as well as spirits by the way. Instead I chose to view myself as a cast circle, whole and incorruptable. I am a microcosmos of all the power in the universe and can not be shaken.

I think that one must become very self aware, know thyself! If you know what you are and what you are not, it’s more easy to draw lines to keep negative influence at bay. Learn what thoughts are yours (this is also where you have to listen to your deep intuition) and what thoughts come from outside of yourself. To speak clear, learn to distinguish where you begin and where you end, what are conventions, fears or other disturbances and what is truly genuine.

Well, that’s it for tonight. It’s late and I gotta rise early. Take care!

When In Doubt

This morning I listened to an interview on youtube with Maxine Sanders, co-founder of the Alexandrian tradition of Wicca. In my witchy beginnings I was assigned to read her book Maxine: the Witch Queen from 1976. That was the first time I’d heard of her.

I found the interview very interesting and thought provocing. Maxine is an intriguing woman and witch. What really shone through for me was Maxine the priestess. She spoke with integrity, honor and sincerity and you could hear that she loves the Craft. It awoke a newfound admiration for her in me. It also made me question things about my own practice, sadly in a negative way. But probably it’s because of my general mood today. I started thinking that I don’t practice enough, that I’m not good enough and will never possess the qualities or experience to lead a group. I am not articulate enough to even pin point my believes or theories.

But something inside me whispers in a small voice. It says that these insecurities and fears can turn into advantages. I just have a different flavor and I need to find my own voice, my unique style. I shouldn’t sell myself short. I am on this path and I strive to be the best self I can be. We all have our difficulties but we are all good enough.

People in our lives

Some people are in our lives only a brief moment, others stay longer. I believe that everyone has some wisdom to impart on us, or in us, if we take heed. My problem is that sometimes I meet someone who I feel drawn to, who perhaps know something or has a quality I am intrigued by, but I don’t know how to get near that person. I have a hard time making social things “happen”, being both shy and introverted. I have an intense yearning to kinda get drunk on that person’s soul and to share mine. But at the same time I have insecurities about my own worth. Do I really have anything worth giving, worth sharing?

Sometimes I get beaten down by these thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if there’s any point going on if I can not connect with people at the level I want to. Are we not here to do that? At the same time I wonder if it’s just a dream I have. I know that there are rooms inside that only I can access, it is impossible to try to invite someone in. Inside these rooms are swirling feelings, mist hiding all sorts of things. Things I can’t even articulate myself. No, I must be forever alone, but perhaps the Gods are with me even in those spaces. They are not bound by limited understanding or compassion.

I have seen people come and go in my life. I don’t usually try to stop them. I know that relationships ebb and flow like the ocean. We are all governed by higher forces and everything has to run its course in its set time. Instead I am thankful rather than resentful. We don’t know how much time we have with each person, so I treasure it. 

A rose by any other name

The word “Witch” has never actually had a particular draw on me. I’ve never strongly identified with it. When I was 14 I started getting into astrology, divination and magic. When I turned 15 my mother gave me my first tarot deck (Rider-Waite).

I had a book about various alternative spiritual traditions. A female witch was featured. I remember her talking about sacrificing her menstrual blood to the Earth and opening rifts in time. Nah, not really my thing. But what really set fire to my mind was the picture of the robed, sword wielding ceremonial magician in the forest! He was a member of Golden Dawn, I think, and spoke about magickal operations and invoking gods. Oh gosh, I was super intrigued!

I guess I like systems, a tested framework. And above all, I love ceremony! I love well used tools, the smell of incense, gestures, flickering candle light… The ritual repetition that becomes our spiritual fingerprint. I thrive on that!

I find it hard to make a sharp destinction between a witch and a magician. So much depends on the individual practitioner and his or her leanings and what he or she chooses to identify with. I do way more ceremony than I do spells and that’s one of my personal definitions. Even though I adhere to balance, I am a bit more concerned about the spiritual, mystical dimension of things than the material realm.